I'm Back!

After an absence of three years, I am back in verbally expressing myself! For three years, I licked my pain, wiped my tears and basically reinvented myself.

Left photo was me three years ago.

This one is me today.

And thanks to Zen, I am back. :)

... with a vengeance. :)

Sigh

Sigh...
Sigh...
Sigh...

When will it end? When will the confusion be sorted out? When will the end come? When will the feelings cease? When will new feelings set in?

Sigh...

It's not making any sense. It stopped having sense when I started feeling something.

Sigh...

Happy Together

Many have commented on the PIC. But they said the same thing. We looked so happy.

We were! We were happy. Even if we are no longer together and our breakup is quite something, I have enough good will (no pun intended) to say that we had a wonderful relationship. I have no regrets whatsoever. I am grateful that for some time, he was mine and I was his. I am grateful that for some time, someone showed me great love, understanding, patience, tolerance, acceptance and appreciation.

Yes we were happy. We did not end up as friends because maybe we reached the point in our relationship that it's either we end up together or we forget each other. He will always have a special place in my heart. I hated him when we broke up, but guess what, hatred passed and the love remain.

We were happy. And when that happiness left, it was worse (not bad. No comparison at all). That's why I've been through worse. And that's why I have that pic with me to remind me that.

By the way, it fell out of my folder this afternoon. Good thing nobody has stepped on it yet when I walked back and looked for it. Hey, we are no longer together but we were! Nobody can change that. Even if I throw all the momentos away, that fact will remain. :)

Trial Separation

I let go right? And suddenly this guy is telling me that he was testing me that's why he said he has a partner. Dear, whether or not you have a girlfriend my decision to let go would still be the same.

I appreciate your attention. But something in me has changed. After putting into words and actions the idea of letting go that had been brewing for so many days, something in me has changed. Suddenly I can breathe again.

Whether you put me on trial or not, separation it still is. It's not a trial separation! You wanted to be friends? Fine. I am your friend. Let's just be clear about your idea of friendship is okay? I want us to be on the same page.

I've Been Through Worse

Today, I propped a pic on my monitor. Everybody was asking who was with me. I said it was my ex. One brave soul asked why I had it there. I said it was to remind me that I've been through worse. That whatever I'm going through right now, I know I can get through it because I was able to recover from our relationship.

You see, that relationship had a big impact on my life. He was my world. Our relationship was all that mattered. And when we broke up, there was no me. Just a vague idea that somehow the idea of me existed and maybe I can make it exist again.

Recovering from the breakup was and is an uphill climb. Im checking myself religiously. Im giving myself a hug when Im doing something right. Im consoling myself when I remember what happened and the feelings get the best of me. Im affirming myself when insecurities eat my guts.

And now that Im having a challenging month at work, I unearthed the pic again. It reminds me that I've been through worse and that whatever Im going through now is nothing compared to what I went through with our breakup.

"Is he the hubby?" one brave soul asked.
"Nope."
"Then who is he?" she asked again.
"My ex." I answered and smiled.
I felt her confusion. And I smiled again.
"But you looked so happy together."

Yes we were happy. But that happiness was long gone before we ended the relationship. Still we tried to hang on. Only to find out that we were hanging by a fragile thread. A thread that broke easily when somebody tugged on it.

I've been through worse. Thanks my dear.

Eyebags

I saw a picture of me taken by a friend. Damn, I got eyebags. Why????????? I sleep a lot. I use eye creams.

And why is it called a bag? For the tears I have yet to let fall down my eyes? You mean, after crying all these months, there are more left? Oh oh..

Me, Myself and I

It's hard to turn your back on someone who means a lot to you. What's harder is when that someone still tries to talk to you. Should I look back and reply? But I don't want to go back coz I might lose myself again.

It's me, myself and I. That's my main focus right now. Because I am the most important person in my universe. And for a while I have forgotten my importance because all my energies were focused on other people. Who suffered? I did. And I still do.

Because it's me, myself and I phase, I know I have to let go of some people. I did. To some, it might be difficult to understand. But I completely understand why I did what I did. And to me, that's what is most important.

It's hard not to reply. It's hard not to communicate. It's hard not to cling to some semblance of normalcy between us. But we know things have changed. And no matter what we do, we cannot go back to the way we used to. And no matter what you do, I cannot and will not recall the words I already said. I have made my decision and Im going to stick to it. Please don't test my resolve. I know that is what you are doing. Trying to pretend that everything is the same. It's not. Let's face it. It's over.

Me, myself and I. When I make decisions for myself, I realized that it would lead me to the right decision. I don't care what you think about my decision. Because if I start caring about it, I know I'd go back to the way we were and I just would end getting hurt all over again.